Social Safety Net

On occasions such as today, when I feel all alone in the world, it would be nice to be able to rely on some kind of social safety net. I think for men it's particularly hard to seek out one's friends for this kind of buffer. I know I feel a lot of guilt and embarrassment when I have to admit that I need company. I want my friends to think of me as strong and independent so that I don't become a burden to them. Interestingly, I do like to play the self pity card a little, since most of my friends are happily paired off, but I have to do it humorously. I know there's nothing that they can do to straighten out my social life other than offer a temporary respite. It's especially difficult because I am about to desert everyone here and they have to be thinking about replacing me with someone else for company.

When I move to Boston I may be able to get a little security from my graduate school. If there are enough people whose company I enjoy then I may be a bit better off than I am here, where I've learned to rely on a handful of people who are in much better social situations than me, namely through marriage or personality attributes.

I'm mainly writing today to play the self-pity card with myself, or you the reader if you exist. There are these Sundays when no more books can be read, no more walks taken, and all I can do is wait for sunset and throw on a Netflix movie. My life shouldn't have to be this way, but my past catches up with me now and again. It's funny how aging really does panic me. There's a ceiling approaching that is forty years old. It's eight years away but I dread the thought of reaching that point and still living in the rooms of houses with other single souls, or worse having resigned to live in a little apartment by myself. For women the forty-year-old mark can be a biological point of defeat, but I think it must affect some men like me similarly, who see it as the deadline for having the type of life we think we are supposed to have. Of course it's easier if you aren't interested in children, but for me it's the loss of the opportunity for young love that is so precious between a couple. There's plenty of time to be old together; I don't want to start old with someone. So wish me eight years of good luck, or a better outlook on life.