Blogin' the interpersonal

I usually keep to me versus me when I discuss the mayhem going about in my head. Lately I've had enough interpersonal agitation that I want to try to hit that pressure valve and hiss away a little compressed air.

I have never thought of myself as good at debating, conflict resolution, or negotiating. I don't have much experience at it, and I consider myself more of a hot-head then a thoughtful interlocutor when I occasionally jump in the ring. I've had a few widely differing frustrations with people lately, but in each case it has to do with their habits or actions that vex me beyond endurance (as Aunt Alice used to say of Uncle Matt :) Interestingly, in each case it has nothing to do with me, I'm not being abused in any way other than suffering the guilt of inaction. What is my obligation to that person and myself? I've always admired those that come out and say what they need to say, but only if they pick the right battles. I know I have to find a way to defend what I believe is right and find the best ways to purvey my opinions. Hell, I'm going into urban planning, it's professionally as vital as personally.

My history with confrontation is the belief that I should stay quiet in the name of tolerance, or out of the fear that I might be wrong, or that morality is simply too subjective to lay claim to any part of it. As I get older and watch my complaisance bite me in the ass one too many times, I realize that I have to confront, debate, and negotiate. Loving people means they pain you, and I'm learning to mull over problems without them neither ulcerating my stomach nor slipping to the back burner. I want to say what I need to say to help my friends or at least to assuage my conscience. I never want to belittle anyone and let my hot-head taint my arguments. It seems that emotions walk a fine line and they have to be heeled.

Contrarily, I get pretty hot-headed when someone confronts me. I'm defensive, denying, and ungracious. Nobody does it very often, but then again I don't have too many close friends, and I don't put out the welcome mat. I always wonder how much my close friends mull me over. As my blog attests, I'm full of uncertainty and missteps. Why don't they confront me more often? Does everyone think I'm sure-footed and trudging up to my neck in goodness? Or do I surround myself with people so similar to me that my faults are too close to theirs to recognize. I mean, seriously, I've sat in front of computer full-time making stupid programs for dot-com companies for ten years. That feels morally wrong on so many levels that it seems unforgivable. I've wasted time, talent, and my twenties. I think I've had one friend who really challenged me to change that. What else? I do nothing in my free time for anyone other than myself and the people I love. Criticize me! I speak cynically, I complain, I show no interest in half the people I meet. I'm a prick! Why doesn't anyone call me on it? I...need to discover meditation, soon.