new town social angst

I don't know how I often manage to not do something and then thoroughly regret it the next morning. Case in point, I went to a Red Sox game last night and we got through one out before the rain picked up and the tarp went on the field. My aunt informed me that they commonly wait for an hour or two before calling the game so that they can make a fortune at the concessions. We waited through a dry spell and then another system moved in. By 9pm it was time to give up and head out. Now, at this point I had the option of going down to Jamaica Plain to see a cousin of mine sing at a show starting at 10pm. There was also some sort of party held by someone in my department back in Somerville. My intentions were fixed on going to the show until one moment of doubt when I realized I didn't know what T stop to go to and I started to wonder how late I could stay out and catch the T back. Thus I made a hasty decision to head home and go to the party instead. Moments after making this decision and heading home, my iPhone revealed to me that the show was very easy to get to, whereas the location of the party was nowhere to be found in my email. I ended up at home with some ice cream and a book, the evening wasted. And I say wasted because I fell asleep in 10 minutes, not to say a book or ice cream are wasteful.

This morning as I eat bad pancakes in my messy house, I am filled with regret for not doing the obvious, easy socializing that I should have done by going to the show. Now I face a very rainy day, which is awesome to me, with nothing worth thinking about other than half a room to paint, a bathroom to clean, untolds reems of paper to read through for homework, and the unavoidable feeling that I'm falling into the same traps I always do.

Missing socializing opportunities is a big deal to me. I spent my life up until my early twenties being shy and uncourious about people and things with which I was unfamiliar. When I was 23 I made a resolve to do never skip a socializing opportunity, and at 25 I learned to value the richness of available experiences and the effort required to realize them. 7 short years later I am still sensitive of my past apathy, and I dread the lapses that occasionally occur.

Being around 50 to 100 new people in grad school has taught me some good tricks about getting to know people. Number one is to hang around after every lecture to see if other lingerers form circles of chatter. I used to always leave school and class as fast as possible for no particular reason. Number two is push your way into circles of people at events and make introductions as needed. There's nothing worse than standing outside a circle and pretending to participate in the conversation. Number three: I'll tell you as soon I learn it.

I don't lack self-confidence as much as I lack perspective and peace of mind. Right now I'm hopped up on coffee and I haven't exercised in a week. Of course I'm going to be restless. I should go take a nice walk in the rain, and I will do a charity bike ride tomorrow. But then there's all that reading and painting. What is a single, 32-year-old grad student to do?

___________________ space for older version of myself to insert answer, or "don't worry".